Abducted by interstellar Orthodontists!

The Orthodontic Spaceship

Ok, so I'm not entirely convinced I need Orthodontic treatment. (I'm 43 fer chrissake!)

I am not particularly encouraged by the fact that, in classic Los Angeles style, the office is themed as a spaceship. *

I expect the receptionist will be dressed as Lt. Uhura; sadly she is costumed as a suburban mom holding down a day job.

A small boy is blasting Romulans out of the sky in a cockpit in a corner of the waiting bay.
Zoop - Zoop - Zoop - Zingoughh!

Unfazed by the intergalactic warfare raging around her, his mother sips a non-fat, half-caf white mocha. She reads "Daily Variety"with a blasé air. I marvel at how easily we earthlings adapt to extraordinary circumstances.

Lt. Uhura summons me, and I enter through sliding doors that - whoosh - as I go through.

I lie back in a sleek pneumatic launch chair. The dental tech inserts trays loaded with gobs of silly putty in my mouth to make impressions of my teeth. The "abducted by orthodontists" effect could only be improved if I were strapped in.

Afterward, in the briefing pod we discuss my treatment plan. Two years of periodontal corsetry which I perceive to be semi-elective. This being Los Angeles, no-one seems to be able to tell me if this procedure is cosmetic, or structurally necessary. (Everyone is baffled by the question.) Who in LA wouldn't spend thousands of dollars to realize an incremental gain in net attractiveness?

I inquire with studied casualness about the cost. -Gulp- I do a quick tabulation in my head of what percentage of that is paying for the titanium fuel rods in the anti-gravity reactor.

(Hey! Maybe they can refine uranium for Iran's "peaceful nuclear program" here at my orthodontist and save Russia the trouble!)

I am disappointed, because although they can reach lightspeed in under twenty nanoseconds, they can't bill Blue Cross.

It appears that Blue Cross definitely considers the work elective, in the same way that insurance companies now consider quadruple bypass surgery to be an outpatient procedure.

I wonder if single payer universal coverage will cover interstellar orthodontics?

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* "Theming" is very popular in LA. Often it is restaurants which are shaped like the food they sell, or used to sell. My favorite is the Thai Place shaped like a hot dog at the corner of Hollywood and Western. The "dog" is cracked and glazed with a very unappetising patina of pigeon guano. The faded foam blocks representing relish absorb water every time it rains and drip a rheumy black mould over the once proud dog.